Sunday, July 27, 2008

Friends

I was very upset by someone yesterday. I'm one person who greatly values friendship. Friends mean the world to me. I have a handful of friends who've been with me since my primary school days, and along the way I picked up more in secondary school, pre-u etc. I'm so thankful for these friends who've stuck around. You know who you gals are.

When my daughter started going to playschool at around 2 plus yrs old, naturally I was surrounded by other mums. I got along particularly well with a certain mum and we both adored each others' daughters. We had common interests and became fast friends. We were very close. We spent Christmas, Hari Raya together and our girls enjoyed each others' company. It was very sad for me when cracks began to appear in our friendship. I often wondered to myself during those days if I had done something wrong, something which upset her. But after speaking to a couple of friends, I was enlightened by them that in actual fact, she was the one with the problem. Being the only girl in the family, she was used to having her own way, thus she was very possesive. She even told me once, after her daughter had left the school as she was a year older than mine, that she was jealous of another mum whose husband used to give us lifts home after school. That friendship gave me a lot of heartaches as I had invested a lot of trust in it. I was very affected when she shunned me without so much as a warning and left me in a very sad, wronged state. I shed lots of tears during that period and hubby too was aware of it. But the thing with hubby is, I daren't tell him too much bad things about a person as he takes it very personally. I guess he probably doesn't like to see me get hurt.

From that experience, I vowed that I won't make friends with the mums from school when my daughter started pre-school. I didn't want to get hurt so badly again. In the initial stage, I hardly went to school and only did so when she was bullied by a certain classmate when she was in nursery and I wanted to observe them in class. (Her school has viewing rooms with one way mirrors which you can observe through). There was a grandma who was there every day as her little boy has serious food allergy and it was she I first made friends with. I then got to know her daughter. Our kids were classmates for 2yrs. Through the 2-1/2yrs there, I've gradually formed some wonderful friendships. I guess I've been slowly recovering from my broken heart. I've made a couple of very good friends there and they are ever-so-wonderful. When hubby was in hospital they came to my rescue without my even asking them for help and I would say that it really touched me to know that there are genuinely nice people around. It renewed my faith in friendships again. And I am thoroughly spoilt by them. They always offer to come and pick me/us up when we are planning to meet, and I really appreciate that, although it isn't necessary. Thanks much J,B & P. The list goes on. As our kids have 1/2 a yr left together, we try to spend more time outside of school together so they can play with their friends and hopefully create some memories for them before they go on to proper school.

Likewise at swimming and ballet classes, I unwittingly make friends with other mums while we wait for our kids during their lessons. This incident yesterday involved a mum from one of the enrichment classes. I won't go into details as it is too long and complicated to relate. What pissed me off yesterday was that she (mum A) had made plans with another mum (mum B) whom I'm also close to and they had a meeting today at the latter's home. I was curious, as I had forgotten to bring something when I had met mum B and she told me to give it to mum A, that they would be meeting on Sunday. I kind of felt left out as the 3 of us are pretty close, so just wondering why I wasn't invited. Then I thought, well, maybe it was a gathering with their mutual friends and I didn't know them. So I didn't dwell too much into it. On the other hand, I tried to sound out mum A. Unfortunately for me, while I was rushing out to class yesterday, I again failed to bring the item. So I said it to mum A that I was supposed to bring something for her to pass onto mum B and she kind of tried to avoid the topic. I thought it strange. At the end of class, her daughter came up to her and said, 'when are we going to so-and-so's house?'. She was in a fluster and tried to cover it up and ran off without saying goodbye, and even left the note which the teacher had given out, behind. I mean, what's with her? Why did she have to be so ridiculously guilty and secretive? I honestly hate people like her. One minute they pretend they are your good friend and behind your back, you don't know what they say. She insisted on picking us up the day of the funfair even though I told her it's ok we'd make our own way there. Her hubby had rented a car and I suppose she just wanted to do something good to boost her own morale. It was clearly out of the way, and I'm not even sure her hubby was too pleased with having to do that favour. And her daughter has been acting weird too. I'm not sure if her mum has been talking bad things behind my back, as kids pick up all sorts of stuff from listening in on adults' conversations, but she didn't wanna look or greet me yesterday. I said it to her sarcastically, 'you don't like me anymore?'. Honestly, what is it with me that I attract these kind? And the other thing I hate most is that when something happens and no one comes and gets the truth from you but instead talk behind your back, not that anything happened in this instance. I was just quoting an example.

To think that we had lunch a few weeks' back, and she had taken my girl for the rest of the afternoon, and now this is the way she treats me. But I do know she's not a simple person. I can't describe it. You just have to know her to understand what I mean. Unfortunately I have a knack for sniffing out people like her and how they work. Hers is a superficial kind of friendship. Let's put it this way, you won't want to tell her any secrets or they won't remain a secret anymore. She even said something about mum B to the teacher which she told me. Well, not being a b**ch, I won't be spilling the beans.

14 comments:

citygirl said...

H, I fully understood how you feel as I went through similar situations not once but twice in my life. Once in my office life and another while been here in Italy with fellow mates.I just puzzled why things need to be so complicated among humans. Though not enjoying but it do makes us open up our eyes wide big.

Miz Young said...

My Dearest friend.... you are the best of best friends to me, even though I don't always share all my thoughts and feelings (good or bad!) I do know that in times of anything (and not just wanting baked goods!) you are ALWAYS there. Always. And I'm sorry if I hadn't always been there for you.

Thank you for being my friend. I don't make friends very easily now, almost to the point of being anti-social, coz I've been burnt before too. But I'm glad you're still a phone call away.

*muah*

SIG said...

citygirl - Hi there, thanks for stopping by. You are absolutely right. It does open our eyes up. But unfortunately people like us tend to get hurt in the process. It's simple - there's jealousy, competition etc, that's how things become complicated.

miz young - Oh yes, of course you know you're one of the people I mentioned. As good friends, it's natural to take each other for granted. We might hurt each other in the process, but it's all part of growing up. To either let the bad things bother you, or just let go and treasure the friendship instead. And that's the beauty of friends you've grown up with, people who know you through and through, and even when there are bad vibes, do not let it affect the friendship. I find that sadly lacking in friends you make after you go out to work etc. School friends are the best!

And do not worry, I know you can't always be there for me. Can you please move nearer??!!! We all have our own lives and families now that it's natural friends take a backseat, unless of course it's friends whose kids go to school with our own.

Same with you, I know I can always count on you and you will drop everything and come to me if something was serious enough. Thanks for being that wonderful friend and cheers to our longlasting friendship!

HK Choo said...

ya, part and parcel of life..but i'm sure you will recover soon, deb :) cheers mate!

SIG said...

hk choo - Ah, ya, I can't be bothered with these type of people really.

Little Corner of Mine said...

Oh yeah, been there too! But I am still very bad at sniffing out those people, I'm too simple leh.

Maya Yunos said...

Good friends are for keeps. If they fail to understand tht, It's their lost anyways. A wonderful lady like you deserve better :)

Mochachocolata Rita said...

been there done that, now i just try to take it easy and dont take things personally...

most importantly, dont ever lose faith, there are lots of good people out there :)

ganache-ganache said...

Hi,
I'm facing a problem with friends too. I'm a Singapore living in Malaysia, no family around & hardly any friends, so it's natural I get close to my daughters' classmates' mums. I've had 2 bad experiences, that I heard 1 mum spreading rumours about me & the other caught her lying to me few times but I did not confront her ! Well, I was so hurt, good friends are really hard to come by, so my closest friend is still hubby.......

Beau Lotus said...

D, I've no time to blog yet as I'm just back in Italy and then I'm off to Paris and Tunisia!!!

But I just want to send you a quick word. Please do not let those moms upset you nor stop you from being yourself or living out friendships the way you want to.

Really happy to have met you again when I was in Singapore and thanks again for the lovingly-made kaya!

Take care, I will talk to you when I come back (though with MIL in tow for 3 weeks may not have the time either). Kisses to Sh. too!

Message to City Girl : Can't leave comments on her blog. Would like to know address of restaurant SINGAPORE. Thanks.

trevshanhann said...

I am really mad that you had to go thru 2 such pple... but what you can be pleased about is that it is their lost and having you in my life as friends is sooo precious to me!!!

SIG said...

lcom - Yes, I'm sure we all have sometime in our life. It's part of growing up. Sigh.

maya - Awww.. thanks for the encouraging words.

rita - That's something I hope to keep in mind - that there are good people out there. :)

ganache-ganache - Oh, you are lucky you have a best friend at home. I guess at the end of the day, the family is the most important yeh? ;)

beau - You are so lucky! Ai, you should have been in Paris when I was there. :( Err... hope the kaya was to your liking hehe. Hey, no worries, enjoy your holiday and 'enjoy' your mil. Have fun! Caught the kisses. ;) Also, have passed on the message to city girl, not sure if she'll reply.

trevshanhann - Thanks darling. I treasure your friendship very much too, and I think we'll be friends till our hair turn grey... ermm... it's started already! lol!

Jori said...

I was so sorry to hear of your recent upset. It is never nice to have to go through things like this.
Over the various phases of my son's lives, I have come to realize there are the "forever" friends, and the "friends for now, because it is convenient" friends. It's nice to have a common bond - such as a certain class - but too often, once that bond is removed, there isn't much else there.

I'm so sorry to hear that you had to go through all of this - I hope thing have improved for you since you wrote your post.

Take care - looking forward to catching up with you!

SIG said...

jori - Thanks much for your encouraging words. I know that you experience worse things than I. Honestly I don't care if things have improved for me as I intend to keep more than an arm's length from her. I dislike people who come to you only when they need you and then treat u like dirt the next week.